DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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