What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
