A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
