That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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