She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
