Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
This is the high leading the old right now
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
