Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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