im about as happy as oj after his trial
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Who died my cat blue again?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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