I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
She told me I should be a condom model.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
