Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize