He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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