my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
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