i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
God gave him joint rollers for hands
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
