either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
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