i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
