Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
