I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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