my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
