I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Randomize
