I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
