guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
