Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize