Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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