I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
