I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
