I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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