Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
