You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
