Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
