What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
