you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
