God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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