Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize