Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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