my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
