I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
