I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
