hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
