apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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