Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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