On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
