i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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