Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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