remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
