I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
