4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Randomize
