I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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