I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Randomize