I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
