I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize