so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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