Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
