Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
