Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Randomize
