Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
