Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
