theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
