Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
