someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Randomize
